On the way into work this morning I'm telling Jackie that a lot of people I test will ask how long I've been doing this. In the past I've always told them the truth but if someone asks me today I'm going to tell them that this is my first day and what has kept me in the past from being a road test examiner is a medical condition called the Incredible Hulk disease which only manifests itself if I get very nervous.
Sure enough my second client of the day, Isaiah, a very nice and genuine 18 year old boy who recently moved here from Minnesota, arrives for his test. As we are going through the residential area I warn him about an approaching pot hole. "Be careful of that one" I say. "A mini cooper drove into that awhile back and it took a week to find it." Isaiah responds, "Wow!"
Then a short while later he asks me how long have I been doing road tests. I tell him about this being my first day and the Incredible Hulk disease and add that I'm pretty sure I have it under control as long as he doesn't do anything to get me too n n n nervous. "OK sir" responds a concerned Isaiah. "I will try my best".
Of course I have to confess that I've actually been doing this for 15 years and Isaiah confesses that he's known to be pretty gullible and we go on from there.
Later on I mention to Isaiah that the only thing I really know about Minnesota are the Ollie and Lena stories. He has not heard any of them before so I share one.
"Ollie and Lena are from the old country you know. They are taking a drive one Sunday and pass by a little country airport that has a sign advertising biplane rides for $25 dollars. 'Oh Ollie' says Lena. 'I really would like to take a biplane ride'. 'No Lena' says Ollie. 'Not today'. Lena persists so Ollie says; 'Lena, you know we don't have the money'. 'Oh please, please, please' says Lena. 'It's the only thing I ever wanted to do in my whole life! Can't we just stop and look at the biplane?'
Ollie agrees and as they are walking around the plane the pilot strools up. He asks them if they would like a ride and Lena tells him no, they don't have the money. The pilot says that he has an idea. He will take them up on a ride and if they don't say a peep then the ride is free but if he hears something then they need to cough up the $25. Lena looks at Ollie and promises that she will keep quite and so the three get into the biplane, pilot in the front and Ollie and Lena in the back seat. The pilot then proceeds to do the barrel rolls and loop de loops and sure enough, not a peep out of Ollie and Lena.
When he lands and starts to taxi the pilot yells back that he is very impressed that he did not hear a peep. 'Ya' says Ollie. 'And it wasn't easy when Lena went flying out' ".
The punch line given I look at Isaiah and his mouth drops open, a total look of both shock and surprise on his face. I debate for a brief second if now is the time to remind him that this was only an Ollie and Lena story and decide that no, one confession a day was all that I'm required.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Two Fer
This cold, cold winter has got me thinking that, like Sam McGee on the marge of Lake Lebarge, cremation might be a fine option when my time comes. Jackie and I have actually talked about this quite a bit. We do believe in the resurrection of the dead but since most of the world gets laid in the ground without being pumped full of preservatives, with worms crawling in and out the nose and snout, and nothing being left after a year, cremation shouldn't be a problem for the dead in Christ.
The other day I heard on the radio that the biggest change in the end of life business has been that so many more people are now choosing cremation. I told this to Jackie on our way to the road test site Friday and she replies; "Oh crap. Now I guess the price for cremation is going to go way up." Like me Jackie is half Dutch and although price is not the main reason we have liked the option we are also ones not to pass up on a good deal.
"Perhaps we should watch for specials on cremation" I suggest to Jackie and she counters with "Maybe they have deals on two fers." Since this sounded like a plan I bring up the subject with my first client of the day Orlando, a 47 year old black man who looks like he might have had better days. "If my wife and I can get a deal on a two fer" I tell Orlando "then there is no reason that we couldn't get a better deal on a four fer. Are you in?"
Orlando agrees that this is smart thinking and that he will judiciously broach the subject with his girl friend. "Honey, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I've found a way that we might save a lot of money. The bad news is that you might not get that vacation you were planning. You're just going to have to trust me on this."
When Jackie and I get a few minutes later on I tell her that it's been a good day and that I've already got 3 black couples signed up with us. Can anyone say "group rate".
My dad use to tell me that when his time came he wanted to be laid out on his sailboat, pushed out into Lake Michigan and then we could set the boat afire. Finally realizing that local laws prohibited this (and my mother frowning on the Viking idea of a two fer) he at least wanted to have some input on how he would be laid out.
"When you go to the funeral home and see the body in the casket everybody always says how nice the person looks. Bob, they never look good. They usually look like hell. They look dead for pete's sake."
Bill wanted us to record his voice, place the cassette player in the casket, and then stand casually nearby holding our little play button. When someone would remark; "Oh, Bill looks so good" we were to push the button and Dad would reply; "And you don't look so bad yourself." I think my sister Char is still upset that we didn't pull this one off.
The first time we brought our young kids to a funeral home we get waylaid by some friends while coming in and our 8 year old Missy wanders off into the next room. We realized this when we heard her scream at the top of her voice; "OH - MY - GOSH!" Oops, we hadn't really prepared her for what she might see there.
After 64 years I think I am better prepared for how I want things to be after I tell my last story. If you don't feel you have closure because you didn't see me laid out in a box, that's OK. I'm really on vacation. In Florida. Telling the Pig With The Wooden Leg joke to guys with green pants hiked up to their mid bellies.
I still have hope that I might get the golden ticket and fly out of here at the rapture not smelling of smoke. With Jackie coming with we will have a much better deal than the two fer we discussed. Hey, how about that group package? Love to see you there with us.
The other day I heard on the radio that the biggest change in the end of life business has been that so many more people are now choosing cremation. I told this to Jackie on our way to the road test site Friday and she replies; "Oh crap. Now I guess the price for cremation is going to go way up." Like me Jackie is half Dutch and although price is not the main reason we have liked the option we are also ones not to pass up on a good deal.
"Perhaps we should watch for specials on cremation" I suggest to Jackie and she counters with "Maybe they have deals on two fers." Since this sounded like a plan I bring up the subject with my first client of the day Orlando, a 47 year old black man who looks like he might have had better days. "If my wife and I can get a deal on a two fer" I tell Orlando "then there is no reason that we couldn't get a better deal on a four fer. Are you in?"
Orlando agrees that this is smart thinking and that he will judiciously broach the subject with his girl friend. "Honey, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I've found a way that we might save a lot of money. The bad news is that you might not get that vacation you were planning. You're just going to have to trust me on this."
When Jackie and I get a few minutes later on I tell her that it's been a good day and that I've already got 3 black couples signed up with us. Can anyone say "group rate".
My dad use to tell me that when his time came he wanted to be laid out on his sailboat, pushed out into Lake Michigan and then we could set the boat afire. Finally realizing that local laws prohibited this (and my mother frowning on the Viking idea of a two fer) he at least wanted to have some input on how he would be laid out.
"When you go to the funeral home and see the body in the casket everybody always says how nice the person looks. Bob, they never look good. They usually look like hell. They look dead for pete's sake."
Bill wanted us to record his voice, place the cassette player in the casket, and then stand casually nearby holding our little play button. When someone would remark; "Oh, Bill looks so good" we were to push the button and Dad would reply; "And you don't look so bad yourself." I think my sister Char is still upset that we didn't pull this one off.
The first time we brought our young kids to a funeral home we get waylaid by some friends while coming in and our 8 year old Missy wanders off into the next room. We realized this when we heard her scream at the top of her voice; "OH - MY - GOSH!" Oops, we hadn't really prepared her for what she might see there.
After 64 years I think I am better prepared for how I want things to be after I tell my last story. If you don't feel you have closure because you didn't see me laid out in a box, that's OK. I'm really on vacation. In Florida. Telling the Pig With The Wooden Leg joke to guys with green pants hiked up to their mid bellies.
I still have hope that I might get the golden ticket and fly out of here at the rapture not smelling of smoke. With Jackie coming with we will have a much better deal than the two fer we discussed. Hey, how about that group package? Love to see you there with us.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
This Is How We Roll
Tirael gets behind the wheel of the car he is renting from us for his driving test, a 2006 Chevrolet Malibu. Eighteen year old Tirael is wearing driving gloves which he clamps down firmly on the steering wheel of the Malibu and announces to me with his big white smile; "I've been waiting to get my driver's license my whole life!"
After we get going I ask Tirael if he has taken any formal driver's training and he tells me no but that he has spent many hours practicing driving on his video game set, including two hours just before he came today. "You mean like Grand Thief Auto?" I respond, thinking about cars smashing other cars, hitting people, dogs, cats, trash cans, going airborne and shooting cops. He tells me yes but that he likes to play such and such a game (I can't give you the name here because I could only understand about half of what Tirael was saying).
"You're beginning to make me worried" I tell Tirael. "Oh, I cut da speed way down and just cruise around town, nice and easy like" he assures me. The test goes on and we didn't hit any objects or shoot any cops and Tirael does well enough to pass so maybe he's on to something.
I had a 16 year old guy today who did take driver's training and promptly blew through a four way stop early in the test. Just before we went through his dad said; "Sam, watch it!" and Sam responds; "Dad, quiet. I'm taking my test!".
Then there was another 18 year old guy who didn't take any formal instruction who drove one handed the entire way (actually one palm on the wheel which he would remove to use the turn signal, which meant a second here and there when no hands or palms were on the wheel). That was fun. The concept of traffic checks, where to stop, actually stopping, turning into the correct lane and a bunch of other stuff was quite foreign to him. Lucky I carry a spare pencil for my score sheet.
One twenty year old woman arrived for her test today driving an old Pontiac Grand Am which was filled with trash. The front passenger side seat where I plop my rear end had about three dollars worth of change on it (actually didn't feel too bad). The floor in front of me had empty pop cans, food wrappers and other crap, both center cup holders had large but empty Styrofoam cups and I had to take a bulky box out of the open glove box so we could close it (ended up somewhere in the back seat). Periogan had a thick stack of papers that she pulled from the glove box because she was looking for her insurance and registration documents and somehow they couldn't be stuffed back in so the stack also ended up in the back seat amongst all the other garbage.
My mom always told me not to wear underwear with holes in it because if I got into an accident she didn't want me (actually her) to end up embarrassed. Thinking about it, Jackie thinks the same as my mom. This has never been a big concern for me however and after a while I actually felt comfortable riding in that cluttered Pontiac.
This is how we roll.
After we get going I ask Tirael if he has taken any formal driver's training and he tells me no but that he has spent many hours practicing driving on his video game set, including two hours just before he came today. "You mean like Grand Thief Auto?" I respond, thinking about cars smashing other cars, hitting people, dogs, cats, trash cans, going airborne and shooting cops. He tells me yes but that he likes to play such and such a game (I can't give you the name here because I could only understand about half of what Tirael was saying).
"You're beginning to make me worried" I tell Tirael. "Oh, I cut da speed way down and just cruise around town, nice and easy like" he assures me. The test goes on and we didn't hit any objects or shoot any cops and Tirael does well enough to pass so maybe he's on to something.
I had a 16 year old guy today who did take driver's training and promptly blew through a four way stop early in the test. Just before we went through his dad said; "Sam, watch it!" and Sam responds; "Dad, quiet. I'm taking my test!".
Then there was another 18 year old guy who didn't take any formal instruction who drove one handed the entire way (actually one palm on the wheel which he would remove to use the turn signal, which meant a second here and there when no hands or palms were on the wheel). That was fun. The concept of traffic checks, where to stop, actually stopping, turning into the correct lane and a bunch of other stuff was quite foreign to him. Lucky I carry a spare pencil for my score sheet.
One twenty year old woman arrived for her test today driving an old Pontiac Grand Am which was filled with trash. The front passenger side seat where I plop my rear end had about three dollars worth of change on it (actually didn't feel too bad). The floor in front of me had empty pop cans, food wrappers and other crap, both center cup holders had large but empty Styrofoam cups and I had to take a bulky box out of the open glove box so we could close it (ended up somewhere in the back seat). Periogan had a thick stack of papers that she pulled from the glove box because she was looking for her insurance and registration documents and somehow they couldn't be stuffed back in so the stack also ended up in the back seat amongst all the other garbage.
My mom always told me not to wear underwear with holes in it because if I got into an accident she didn't want me (actually her) to end up embarrassed. Thinking about it, Jackie thinks the same as my mom. This has never been a big concern for me however and after a while I actually felt comfortable riding in that cluttered Pontiac.
This is how we roll.
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