Brick Brack

Coming home from work today I see ahead of me an old Mercury Grand Marquis station wagon, rust color with those faded vinyl wood sides. Before mini-vans we use to own one of those behemoths but I did not remember just how radical the back end was. If you draw a long straight line across the top and then two straight lines going down and away from the car at a 30 degree angle, that is the Grand Marquis stay wag.

Passing the vehicle I notice the driver - Asian guy, probably Vietnamese, with a foo man choo mustache, wearing a black stocking cap and leaning way back, just crusin'. I actually thought considering the look of the whole package - How cool is that!

A few minutes later I turn on the radio to catch the last bit of the NPR show Snap Judgment. This and the show before it which is called something like The Moth Story Hour play recordings of people getting on stage and telling their interesting stories. Snap Judgment adds musical enhancements. Today I only caught the last bit which had a lady talking in a somber voice saying; "Poppy and I somehow managed to stay connected through our love of birds. Since then I have saved many New York City pigeons."  - sweet music slowly fading away.

Saving New York City pigeons? Aren't pigeons in the same class as New York City rats? Certainly the ones across our parking lot that gather in mass to lay their droppings on top of the Duthler's grocery are. Guess I'll never know.

Went to the doctor this week for my Welcome to Medicare physical. It has been 8 years since I saw Dr. Smith (I've been getting physicals every 2 years for work but not an extensive one) and things have changed. Well some things. I still needed to drop my pants, cough and put my elbows on the exam table. But medical advice written in stone has changed.

Eight years ago I was advised to take an aspirin a day for my heart. I don't like taking pills so I waited but then read that a baby aspirin would also be good to help retard the development of plaques and tangles in the brain which lead to Alzheimer's. That was enough motivation for me. Dr. Smith tells me that just this year the American Heart Association has changed their mind and no longer advise aspirin. "But it's still good for my brain, right?" I ask the doctor. "Sure" he replies, "But it's a trade off. Aspirin makes it more likely to have bleeding in the brain."

Then he tells me that they no longer recommend taking fish oil. I have never taken fish oil but since it works great with Jackie for preventing migraines and other headaches I ask why not. "It has been found that fish oil increases the chance of getting prostate cancer by 40%." All right then, no fish oil for me and I guess it doesn't matter for Jackie.

Continuing on in this theme Dr. Smith says that in the last year everything has changed concerning how to interpret PSA readings (they have been used to detect cancer in the prostate). "You may have read about it on line." I have not but now I guess I should.

And finally I find out that it has been determined that testing for colon cancer using a stool sample is only something like 15% accurate. The good doctor tells me that some people say that the newer tests are 74.7% effective but then he gives me a look that says, "And why should I believe those guys?" Oh course this lead to the advice that I make an appointment for a colonrectal exam which sounds really fun.

Advice and exam over I then get my shots for flu and pneumonia 13 (next year for pneumonia 21) and a hand out sheet for a shingles shot which I need to get elsewhere. Dr. Smith didn''t tell me I had to have that one but he says, looking very, very serious; "You know anyone whose had shingles?" Well, I do so I'll be getting that one too.

This week I tested a very serious young man by the name of Singh. When we got to the 3 questions I have to ask every driver he answered all three correct, exactly as written in the book. One of the questions asks what would be the safest thing to hit if your car goes off the side of the road and you had to hit something, the correct answer being something soft although I accept anything that conveys the same idea. To have a little fun I have in the past followed up the question with my own, which goes' "So if you had a choice between hitting a great big elephant or a cute little puppy, which would you choose?"

I give this option to Singh and he replies; "The puppy sir". I follow up, "The cute little puppy? "Yes sir". I then add; "The cute little puppy with the collar that says I love you on one side and world peace on the other". "Yes sir" says Singh, still very unmoved about the prospect of puppyside. Maybe elephants are considered sacred in India and it's not just a matter of force and mass.

Some years ago on our family blog I wrote about asking this question to a sweet little lady with a Philippine heritage. The questions that the State requires have not changed since 1997 so as you can imagine it can get a little boring asking the same 3 questions, day after day, year after year. I tried the puppy and elephant scenario on a couple of teenagers earlier and they thought it was funny so for heavens knows why I use it on Maxine. Tears start pouring out of her eyes as she answers in a broken and quivering voice;

"Sir, I would heet the  cute   little   poo pee".  "Oh, I'm sorry" I say. "Is there something wrong?"

"Sir, I had a cute little poo pee and it got heet by a car" to which more tears come. I tell her I'm so sorry and feel instantly terrible but she persists:

"The Cambodian woman who is in the apartment next to me says, 'You have no baby'. She give me the poo pee and says, 'Here, this will be your baby". And  it  was  my  baby".

Maxine is now sobbing uncontrollably, I keep apologizing while trying to figure out how to hide underneath the floor mats. We did make it back safe and I am now much more careful when I go off script.

OK, usually I'm much more careful.