The First Day

There is pain in the front of my forehead
intense, fierce, unrelenting
starting this morning with the first call
Gone!   Missing!   We haven't heard!
All day, phone in hand
computer on lap
watching TV
and I am scared shitless
TV doesn't say
Google's gone berserk
friends and family asking me
but I can't tell them
I am a coward at heart

At 11 or 12 the world opened up a crack
At 17 or 18 the ground started shaking
At 19 or 20 I gave in to logic and ran
When you are young running's easy

There was once a glimmer
like the shimmer of a mirage in a dream
it seems I almost had it
I would often sleep just to catch that dream
but it never came back
and I eventually forgot it's beauty

Someone once told me about this day
as if, yes, as if you could know
something so outrageous and wrong
we sent men to the moon for christ sake
and your little backward mind is living
in a fairy tail
a borrowed one at that
why why why  if what you say is true
would this ever happen
I can't like this

Fear is gripping me
sweaty palms and blurry eyes and shallow breath
I am so worried I will pass out
and someone will find me
and take me away forever
there is nowhere to hide
and no one left who really cares
they are all running and I can't go with
because I know

Somewhere, far off
a train is approaching a crossing
and I feel the vibrating moan that warns beware
startled I jumped clear out of my seat
the first time in hours I could move
the TV and computer were blank
the phone was dead
day had turned to night with no progression
and staring at me from the corner of a grand bookcase
was a dusty book with shinny pages

Years ago I had stored an unopened letter inside it's pages
I did not have to read it
I'd known it's author for years
and I knew that one day I would die
that I would have done my best
that it would be good enough
but coward that I am I now needed something
even just to help me breath
and clear my mind
and think

Dear friend, it said
if love could hold you
and keep you safe for a thousand years
and every moment your heart beats you would have joy
so is my wish for you.
That's all it said
well, and - love, your friend
p.s. enjoy this book

That was the first day
it all came back clearly as I kneel here so comfortably
shaved head on the block
waiting for my joy to be complete
praying that now those well worn pages
will be found
by a coward
like me