The Only Good Pet . . .

Warning: Portions of the following post contain animal stories that may be disturbing to some readers.

Earlier this week we were out on one of the first very nice spring days doing a driving test and I noticed in a 2 block area 5 different people walking their dog or dogs during the residential portion of our route. I asked Jose if he had a dog. “No”. “Do you own a cat?” “No”. “How about a rabbit or a guinea pig?” “Nope”. “No pets? Not even a goldfish?” “No”.

I was going to remark that I too never had much use for those stinking little animals when a little voice in my head told me to be quite. Just then Jose's mother remarks from the back seat; “Jose's dog died last year.” Whew! Thank you Bob for finally knowing when to shut up.

Several years ago I was giving a road test for a second time to Josephina, a short Philippine lady, and we came to the time where I ask the question; “If you have to drive off the side of the road and hit something, what would be the safest thing to hit?” The correct answer is to hit something soft. Now if a person doesn't understand the question then we are allowed to rephrase it. I had a little fun with this a couple of weeks earlier when I rephrased it to a sweet, innocent looking 16 year old girl using the example I was to give Josephina. It went well then so I tried it again.

“If you had to choose to hit with your vehicle either a great big elephant or a cute little puppy, what would be the best choice?”

Josephina answers; “Sir, (sniff sniff), I would heet (sniff sniff) the cute – little – poo pee.” Tears started to flow out of her eyes. She then choked out; “My cute little poo pee (sob sob) was heet by a car.” I felt instantly awful and said; “I'm sorry. It was wrong for me to joke like that.” Josephina replies; “Sir, my Cambodian lady friend gave me that poo pee and said, 'You don't have a daughter. THIS will be you daughter.” And now really crying she whispered the words; “And she was my cute – little- daughter.”

I then heard the rest of her sad dog story including; “The neighbor dog once bit my poo pee on the leg. I call police.” Each additional part of her story found me looking for somewhere in that front seat to hide. Eventually she calmed down and ended up passing the test. Josephine grabs both of my hands. “I have big fight with husband this morning. Thank you.” It was several years before I dared use the puppy and elephant example again.

My experience has never been too good with animals. I don't think either of my parents had pets as children. One day when I was young they brought home a puppy, evidently from a roadside vendor because the dog bit everyone in sight. That experiment lasted only a couple of days. They did take us to Deer Park one time and that is about the extent of my animal education.

I married a woman who was also pet deprived. Jackie's dad had a dog once but she remembers very little of it. The only other animal that graced their lives was a little hatchling that Jackie's sister Jane brought home from school. It turned out to be a rooster who became very territorial. I was dating Jackie at the time and when I, or anyone for that matter, would drive up and park in the front of the house the rooster would come tearing out from the garage and start furiously pecking at our legs. Imagine having to shut off the car engine and letting the vehicle role the last thirty yards to a stop, gently opening the car door and then sprinting to the front door of the house.

Eventually Jackie had enough and she told her younger brother Jim to take care of the matter, anyway he thought best. The rooster ended up with 20 BB's in it's little ornery brain. We are not sure if it was the BB's or the multiple stabs from the pitch fork that killed that bird but we were finally free. When Jane wondered later where the rooster was Jackie said the creature was so dumb it must have had an accident.

Jackie and I never blessed our children with any dogs or cats. She did get Ceci and Carrie a guinea pig. That lasted about two weeks before it disappeared. She told the girls that fluffy wasn't very happy here so she took it to “the nature center.” They of course assumed it was the nature center they had toured as pre-girl scout brownies.

And speaking of brownies Jackie once took the little troop of girls to Tusinks Farm where there were a lot of horses and well as the pony rides that all the kids loved. Ceci spotted one large horse walking by, looked underneath and spotted it in all his glory. “MOM! What's THAT!”  Glad we didn't have phones that took pictures back then.