Real Men Wear Panty Hose

This last week brought in quite a varied catch of unusual clients, stories and situations.

Weirdest Advice:

Michelle, being part American Indian, likes to celebrate that part of her heritage by doing a lot of outdoor activities. She asked me if I was the outdoor type and I responded; “Not really. But my work requires me to be outside quite a bit so I usually overdress to stay warm this time of year – long underwear, flannel jeans, scarf and hat.”

“Have you thought of wearing panty hose?” she asks. “They say it helps keep you really warm.” I put my hand up and say “Stop. Do I look like the type of person who would wear panty hose? I can't really see myself doing that.”

Michelle however understands the tried and true folk remedies of the Native American and tells me about her friend who works on oil rigs in Oklahoma. “The wind blows really hard there and it can get quite cold. The guys don't publicize it but they all wear pantyhose when working in the cold.” She actually suggested, because we were having a bit of fun with this, that we stop at Walgreen's and she would help me pick out a pair, to which I replied; “Ah, No.”

Most Unusual Tidbit of Information

Alex, a tattoo artist, came complete with a goatee, ponytail and large ring in his nose. He told me that the typical person who comes in for him to sink the ink was between the ages of 18 and 28. I asked him who was the oldest person he had worked on and his face lit up as he recalled a 97 year old man. “All of us tattoo guys like to brag about who had the oldest client and I've got them beat by a mile.”

Alex told me that one time when the guy was married he had a girlfriend on the side. The wife found out and said to pick between the two. The guy picked his wife, dumped his girlfriend and thought that was that. He found out after his wife died that his old girlfriend had a daughter that was from him and he wanted to be tattooed with the daughter's name.

One problem here was that at 97 a person's skin is very thin and the old guy would bruise with every needle prick. He must have been a tough bird because he went through with it.

First Time In This Type of Vehicle

A week before he is scheduled to come in Stan phones the office to inquire if he can take the test in a taxi. Our secretary Linda asks me and I say; “I don't see why not, as long as he has permission from the owner.” (We cannot do the test in a vehicle with any markings that indicate driver training because the State does not want other drivers to react differently than normal and most rental cars are not allowed because the contracts specify they must be driven by a licensed driver). I ask Jackie when I get home if she thinks a taxi would be a problem and she replies; “I don't see why not”.

Test day shows up and Stan drives up in a bright and shinning Yellow Cab. It turns out that Stan, who looks just like one of those guys from the old SNL skit who would repeat over and over, “Da Bears!”, had driven a cab for 30 years and then worked for Yellow Cab as a dispatcher for a few years more. He knew the business owner very well.

“Still working Stan?” I ask. “Nah, I'm on mental disability. I loved dispatching but it eventually drove me batty.” Stan drives like a taxi driver – great traffic checks, loose on the rules with everything else, and barely passes.

If you were thinking of driving a cab for a living you should talk to Stan. Said he wanted to write a book called 100 Reasons Not To Drive A Taxi. He was stabbed 3 times, jumped out of the cab at 50 miles an hour when the passenger put a shotgun to his head (at least that's what he told me), and had a guy wrap a belt around his neck which caused him to pass out and drive into a building. On the other hand he once had a cruise ship captain get stinking drunk and then proceeded to toss him $100 dollar bills about every 10 minutes. “Got him for $9,800 that night. Felt a little bad about it.” I asked Stan if he took the next day off. “Nah, I took the next week off.”

How To Earn a Complaint

Sara did not seem to be able to pay attention to any of my instructions during the basic skills, although she did pass that part. When we were out driving she barely stopped at a stop sign in a residential area on a left hand turn, did not yield at the same intersection for a vehicle opposite us who had arrived at their stop sign several seconds earlier, and then did not even try to stop for a left turn at a blinking red light.

She rambled on non stop saying things such as, “I really need to pass this test. I had a fight with my sister just before we came and she kicked me in the eye. Why would she have a fight with me when she knew I need to pass this test?” When we got back to our parking lot early and she knew something was up because we did not drive on the freeway which she was expecting she got upset. I had Sara park the car and explained her two automatic failure maneuvers. When I tried to explain what other improvements she could make so that her odds would be better next time she just yelled at me, saying the same thing I've heard many times; “So I just wasted my $50 dollars!” All this time I am calm, respectful and pleasant, even when we part – even when I hear she called the office to complain.

We Talked Downton Abbey

Penny is a cute little co-ed, direct from London, England who is attending a local university. She is one of eleven children whose parents had home schooled them and was loving her time here. I mentioned all my England connections - friend Margaret who was a native, Niece Susie and her husband Steve who are currently stationed there, and of course Monty Python and Benny Hill (she had never heard of Benny Hill!).

After talking a little about Downton Abbey I asked Penny if she noticed any class distinctions in England today. Maybe she misunderstood because she responded that they don't have racism in England like they do here. “The blacks in England don't have there own language. They talk and look just like me. They live in the same areas. One of my friends is black.” I suggested that maybe racism was more overt in England against other minority groups, such as the large Pakistani population.

I then asked Penny why her parents decided to home school them and she said that they lived in an area of London that had a lot of Pakistani. “Their schools are not very good” she assured me showing not a bit of class or race distinction in her young British mind.