My Conversation With Jesus

As the Ogre once famously said, "I like teenagers - - - for breakfast, lunch AND dinner."

Sometimes teens are a little breath of heaven, like my client Jesus (hey sus) today.  When told that he failed the test because (A) he ran a red light and (B) by the time he ran the red light he had already accumulated mega points because of (C) one handed driving the entire route, sometimes with zero hands on the wheel to let the steering wheel recover, and (D) rolling stops, going beyond the stop lines and riding on the lane lines, he begins to argue with me.

"I was going 45 and didn't feel it was safe to stop at the intersection."  I tell Jesus that the light was yellow for several seconds before we were near the intersection, that it turned red 25 yards before we got there and that there were not any vehicles behind us.  "Well in my opinion it wasn't safe to stop" says Jesus to which I respond,  "In my opinion you made a very bad decision, one that could lead to a serious collision."

Switching gears Jesus tells me that he is very upset because he paid over $300 for driver's training and that the entire time he was driving with an instructor he drove with one hand and no one told him that it was wrong.  "And now I have to pay another $35 to retest because they didn't teach me right!"  I remind Jesus that he did go through a red light and that I pointed out the one handed driving, the rolling stops and the line line violations so that he would have a better chance to pass the next time. 

"Plus, I have a hard time believing that your instructor let you drive one handed because it is very rare for anyone to drive one handed on their test, especially if they have taken driver training."  Finally I need to exit the vehicle because Jesus refuses to listen to my review and accept responsibility for his actions.  Jesus then heads to our office to reschedule and yells at the secretary that he was failed for driving through a yellow light.

But on a less heavenly note I do sometimes have fun with the earnest and unsuspecting teen drivers that pass my way.  Austin was a good looking and well built young African Amarican man who recently transferred from South Christian to Catholic Central.  By doing so he was going to lose his eligibility to play sports this spring at CC but was in line to play football there next fall.  In the Grand Rapids area the kids and parents at South Christian feel that they are the poor sister to Grand Rapids Christian as do the kids and parents at West Catholic vis a vis Catholic Central.  Austin wanted to upgrade his chances to play on a top football team but made an unusual switch, from a conservative Protestant environment to a Catholic environment.

"Did you take choir at South?" I ask, "because things will be a lot different at Central.  I grew up in the Catholic Church and one thing I can tell you, from every Catholic church I've ever attended.  Catholics can't sing  (OK, not universally true).  I love to sing and was a perfect Catholic because I can't carry a tune.  Now that I'm in a Charasmatic/Pentecostal church I can sing to my hearts content.  People clear out from around me but the worship singing is great.  However at the place we go now there is someone who usually sits behind us who looks like a homeless man and he loves to clap.  Problem is that he claps very loud and cannot clap on beat.  He doesn't always clap, just when he gets excited, which covers about a third of a song."

All this time Austin's dad, who doesn't believe that he is permitted to speak, is holding his sides in the back seat.  He tells me after the test that it's the same way when you are dancing and next to someone who can't dance.  It throws everyone off.

As the test nears its end Austin asks me what documents he needs to bring to the DMV.  I give him the list and throw in that after he takes his documents into the State office and get his shots that they will issue him his license.  "They have something called an elephant needle there.  It's about this long (I put my hands about 18" apart).  Funny thing, it doesn't bother those little petite woman one bit.  It's always the big strong guys that faint."  Austin looks like he is trying to look not concerned.  His dad is now on the floor.

So there you have it.  Some teenagers won't believe anything you say and some will believe everything.  Wish I had that elephant needle for Jesus.