Two Fer

This cold, cold winter has got me thinking that, like Sam McGee on the marge of Lake Lebarge, cremation might be a fine option when my time comes.  Jackie and I have actually talked about this quite a bit.  We do  believe in the resurrection of the dead but since most of the world gets laid in the ground without being pumped full of preservatives, with worms crawling in and out the nose and snout, and nothing being left after a year, cremation shouldn't be a problem for the dead in Christ.

The other day I heard on the radio that the biggest change in the end of life business has been that so many more people are now choosing cremation.  I told this to Jackie on our way to the road test site Friday and she replies;  "Oh crap.  Now I guess the price for cremation is going to go way up."  Like me Jackie is half Dutch and although price is not the main reason we have liked the option we are also ones not to pass up on a good deal.

"Perhaps we should watch for specials on cremation" I suggest to Jackie and she counters with "Maybe they have deals on two fers."  Since this sounded like a plan I bring up the subject with my first client of the day Orlando, a 47 year old black man who looks like he might have had better days.  "If my wife and I can get a deal on a two fer" I tell Orlando "then there is no reason that we couldn't get a better deal on a four fer.  Are you in?"

Orlando agrees that this is smart thinking and that he will judiciously broach the subject with his girl friend.  "Honey, I've got good news and bad news.  The good news is that I've found a way that we might save a lot of money.  The bad news is that you might not get that vacation you were planning. You're just going to have to trust me on this."

When Jackie and I get a few minutes later on I tell her that it's been a good day and that I've already got 3 black couples signed up with us.  Can anyone say "group rate".

My dad use to tell me that when his time came he wanted to be laid out on his sailboat, pushed out into Lake Michigan and then we could set the boat afire.  Finally realizing that local laws prohibited this (and my mother frowning on the Viking idea of a two fer) he at least wanted to have some input on how he would be laid out.
"When you go to the funeral home and see the body in the casket everybody always says how nice the person looks.  Bob, they never look good.  They usually look like hell.  They look dead for pete's sake."

Bill wanted us to record his voice, place the cassette player in the casket, and then stand casually nearby holding our little play button.  When someone would remark; "Oh, Bill looks so good" we were to push the button and Dad would reply; "And you don't look so bad yourself."  I think my sister Char is still upset that we didn't pull this one off.

The first time we brought our young kids to a funeral home we get waylaid by some friends while coming in and our 8 year old Missy wanders off into the next room.  We realized this when we heard her scream at the top of her voice; "OH - MY - GOSH!"  Oops, we hadn't really prepared her for what she might see there.

After 64 years I think I am better prepared for how I want things to be after I tell my last story.  If you don't feel you have closure because you didn't see me laid out in a box, that's OK.  I'm really on vacation.  In Florida.  Telling the Pig With The Wooden Leg joke to guys with green pants hiked up to their mid bellies.

I still have hope that I might get the golden ticket and fly out of here at the rapture not smelling of smoke.  With Jackie coming with we will have a much better deal than the two fer we discussed.  Hey, how about that group package?  Love to see you there with us.