Save Your Money And Buy Booze

I was thinking about my uncle Jack today.  He is 90 and not quite as sharp as he used to be and Marty has had operations for her back and hip so the time has come for them to move out of their beautiful house on Lake Macatawa to a place where they can manage better.

Jack is my father's younger brother and he lived with my folks quite comfortably for awhile when the war was over after they settled in Holland.  He was perfectly happy to do so until my mother told my dad that this could not be a permanent situation.  It then only took Jack a few weeks to find Marty who worked at a large department store in Grand Rapids that Jack called on.  They married and got an apartment in a building across from Centennial Park.  The story as I heard it was that Jack was quite concerned that nothing bad would happen to Marty, living as it were near much smaller downtown Holland, so he would lock her in every day when he left for work.  The story can't really be true - I think.

My dad was a traveling furniture salesman and he started Jack out in the same occupation.  One time my father informed Jack that the decorator who owned the shop at their next stop would always great him with this question in his high pitched voice;  "Oh Mr. LaBarge, what do you have for me today that is pretty?"   My father said that when they come in this time he is going to reply; "Today I brought my brother Jack!"  Jack told his brother Bill;  "Don't you dare say that you son of a b***ch!"  But my father being my father did exactly as he promised and got the giggles from the decorator in return, just as he expected and to the horror of his brother.

Now here you need to know a little bit more about my uncle.  He was a highly decorated paratrooper during WWII.  One time during the Battle of the Bulge his group was entirely wiped out except for him and two other guys.  Jack held off the Germans after their ammo had run out by throwing empty ammo boxes at them.  The three survived behind enemy lines for three days with only a handgun and a candy bar between them, sleeping during the day and traveling only at night.  Jack would never take up hunting after that saying that he knew what if felt like to be hunted.

He had been a real rough dude.  Near the end of the war he was in charge of a patrol that was passing a rail road tunnel and a German soldier came forward with a white flag and said that he was with a group that wanted to surrender to them.  Out of the tunnel came 30 of the top German Generals.  Jack would remark later; "Thinking back on it we should have shot the whole f**king lot of them."

I don't think Jack was prejudiced.  He always had the same opinion and solution for politicians as well.  "String em all up by the b**ls" I heard more than once.  Although Jack was really funny he talked tough but my dad told me that he had a big heart and had helped out a lot of people without wanting any recognition for it.

Except for the Battle of the Bulge episode related by my dad I hadn't heard any of Jack's other war stories because like many who survived such terror he refused to talk about it.  It was only years later when Jack became much more mello that he opened up.  Of course by that time we would hear the same stories every time we saw him, sometimes twice.

Jack was from a generation that had a different appreciation for the English language than we have today.  My father was equipped with a lot of little sayings that could fit almost any situation and I'm sure Jack used twice as many.  A lot of them I think he made up on the spot.   One time Jack had a sales call with one of his better clients and the owner casually remarked; "So Jack, what's the good word for today?"  Instantly Jack replied;  "Save your money and buy booze".   Turned out the owner was a recovering alcoholic who got offended and never placed another order.

We had a lot of older salesmen who represented us at LaBarge Mirrors, most with the same gift of language.  There was Florida rep George Wanty who could recite funny stories, in rhyme, that would go on for 10 minutes.  And how could I ever forget old man Ed Balatow, the New York rep, who had the same little ditties every market.  "What will you have", the waitress said, gaily picking her nose.  "Hard boiled eggs", the man replied.  "You can't put your fingers in those."  (cleaned up version)  Or the classic, There ain't no flies on me.  There ain't no flies on me.  There may be flies on some of you guys but there ain't no flies on me.  (To be used in situations like where you get an order when your companions are striking out).

Sometimes the language was quite colorful.  My father and Jack once owned a small sailboat together.  It was not a good idea to have two admirals with short tempers and colorful language on the same small vessel.  I'm told the dark waters of Lake Macatawa turned blue when the boys got loud.

Jack was also a guy who did not have the greatest sense of direction.  One time he was at a furniture dealer in Cleveland who placed a large order with him and then remarked;  "Jack, since I just gave you this very big order I think it would be best if you didn't sell so and so who is my biggest competition".  Jack said; "I don't know what you are so worried about.  That guy is located two miles from here".  The dealer then took Jack out the back of his store and pointed to a building across the alley.  "That's so and so.  We share the same loading dock."  This was actually quite a shock to my uncle.  To get to that guy he would make his way to the highway and go two exits down before using the route he found the first time going there.

But now Jack is not driving so it won't matter.  He is my last living uncle and last connection to another age.  Love you Jack.