Here Come Da Judge

When I was in 9^th grade at EE Fell Junior High School one of my classes was Government, the most mind numbing, sleep inducing courses ever. I would take my seat next to the large windows of the second floor classroom, lean my head against the ledge and count the seconds between red and green lights for the traffic signal just down the road on River Avenue. Every day, every government class, all semester long I watched that light.

But as Winter faded to Spring and Spring then rushed to the near end of the school year we got an unexpected treat; a class field trip to City Hall which was about a 5 minute walk up River Avenue, just across from Centennial Park. I have two memories of that little excursion. At age 15 I still could not whistle, yet walking along those sunlit city sidewalks I breathed in and produced a little tweet. Oh glory! Working that tweet for all it was worth it was then only a day more before I reversed engineered my lips and breath to produce an acceptable tune. Bridge on the River Kwai here I come.

More relevant to this story my second memory was our class sitting in a court room at that City Hall and watching the characters who came forward to meet the judge for whatever purpose they were there for. One old guy in particular was interesting. Seems this was at least his 6^th time standing before the Honorable So and So, all related to his driving habits. The judge pulls out a long paper that looks like Santa's naughty and nice list and begins to read all of the previous infractions, many which had to do with the guy getting caught driving without a valid driver's license.

The judge's tone of voice was quite loud. I don't know if it was for our benefit, young about to be citizens of the road who perhaps were being sublimely warned to watch ourselves. Maybe it was for the old guys chastisement, hope against hope that he would learn his lesson. Or maybe the judge was actually really irritated, both at the guy taking up his time but also at the legal system that that produced a punishment too small to stop the behavior. All in all, real life was way more interesting than reading about the 3 branches of government. In college I was a Political Science major, so there you have it.

Fast forward to this week where I get 3 guys in 2 days, all born in 1965, who are taking the driving test I administer. Each has been driving without a valid license for years. Each has been caught multiple times. Each is on a payment plan with the State to pay off fines which now total over $1000 anytime you get ticketed for driving without a license. The first guy lost his license at age 18 for not paying other fines. The second was in the military overseas for 10 years and the third, Jesse, had never applied for one.

I get in the car with Jesse to begin the drive, go over the instructions before we start and then ask him if he has any questions. Jesse, who is gripping the steering wheel very tightly, tells me that he is very nervous. “Oh, you have been driving for a long time, everything should go fine if you take it easy and obey the traffic rules” I assure him. Jesse replies; “That's what my brother, wife, my girl friend tell me.”

I start laughing. “Well, if you can manage a wife and a girl friend at the same time this driving stuff should be a piece of cake.” Now Jesse starts laughing. “I call her my wife but we have been living together for 22 years and I have two kids with her but she is actually my girlfriend.” Still laughing and giving Jesse an exaggerated wink I nod and say, “OK then.”

I ask Jesse, “Does your brother have his driver's license?”

“A, no.”

“Maybe you can be an inspiration for him. What about your girl friend?”

“Yes, she does.”

“And your wife?”

“You know she goes everywhere my girl friend does.”

Jesse does really well and passes. Like all the other ones I've tested who have been driving forever without a license he is so relieved to finally be legal, not having to look over their shoulders every time they get behind the wheel.

I had one guy from a small town who got caught 13 times driving without a license. The State started taking money out of his paycheck to pay off the $30,000 worth of fines he had accumulated. I asked him why he kept driving and he told me that he had to get to work. “You would be money ahead if you had taken a taxi” I told him. “Well, every time I got caught I sold my car and bought another, thinking that the cops wouldn't stop me. I guess they must have recognized my face. It wasn't always the same cops but I always had the same female judge, and she was never happy to see me.”

Thinking back to my 9^th grade court visit I tell him, “I bet she wasn't.”